are a Plantaholic if: (And keep score, some are worth extra
You identify and look at the foliage rather than the flesh when
watching R rated movies! 2
2. Your partner comments that
your Erotica is misplaced in Hortus 111!
3. You have trouble
relating to vegetarians!
4. Your sap runs higher when you stroke a
plant rather than a person! (Or a sexy rock for that matter!) 2
Do you dream of vinings rather than twinings, or have nightmares of
6. Worse yet have nightmares of lovers that are bugs?
You wear a woolen suit, covered with Chia Seed.
8. Your bald head
is covered with Chia Seed! 2
9. Your vision of
exercise is that of watching a Miscanthus swaying in the wind!
You have asked your Garden Center to open a Drive-Through Window!
When New Ager’s dangle their crystal, you pull out your
Madrona! (True event!)
You have permanent lawn garbage bags as your companion in your
13. You go cruising for neighbor’s lawn garbage bags at
14. You have to think if your four letter words are compost
14. You dating plan is to wait and hit on someone at a plant
clinic or flower show.
15. Your family tree came over on the
16. You know how many bales of straw your Toyota will
17. Your tailgate has a continual problem with manure
18. If garden centers turn on their lights when they see you
19. If the golf course or arboretum sends out it’s
security squad after you enter!
20. If you start
taking cuttings or seeds at the arboretum or esp. at the Peking
National Gardens! (True! 3)
21. Worse yet, if you
are caught there with your pruning shears and baggies! 3
If you have ever been kicked out of a rockery or botanical garden for
propositioning the inhabitants! 2
23. You bring your
pruning shears into an Arboretum or Japanese Garden
are doing wrong! 2
You use your pruners for personal hygiene!
Worse yet you use your hedge clipper to do your hair!
go into an arboretum and begin telling them how to improve it!
You think freaks of nature like cristations are things to bring home
28. You treasure that old bathtub or toilet bowl as a
potential garden fixture!
29. You cruise the neighborhood or
neighbors homes for such fixtures!
You know what native leaves are the best for toilet paper! 2
You think a fiddle neck is someone you would like to date!
Your passenger seat is more often filled with compost bags instead of
33. If on that
date you begin your conversation as being
an expert on worm beds.
34. You invite
your date in a roll in the
hay, which turns out to be Poison Oak!
35. Worse yet you
compliment her on her procumbent figure.
36. You think
the compost” is going to steam up the date.
37. You prefer to
cruise for humus rather than for humor.
40. You view your
potential mate as how well he or she can motivate the
41. You invite
your In-laws to help turn the compost
pile! You think of them as Burrs in you backside!
42. If upon your
divorce your major custody battle is about the children.
Hoya and Blechnem!
43. Divorce, when
mentioned to your lawyer is
referred to as deadheading!
44. Part of the
problem being … she
calls you decumbent, worse yet deciduous when needed.
car long before they see it!
46. You prefer to bathing in Safer
Oil, than regular soap.
47. Worse yet you begin enjoying showering
in Neem oil!
48. You prefer listening to the Canadian Gardener
rather than to your spouse!
49. You have every one of his episodes
50. If you know and are comfortable with the word ‘finger
51. If the Agricultural extension agent calls for backup
when visiting your garden! --
Or when your --
exclaims"Why honey chile, Ah neva done seen humpbacked
like these. "Whatever do you eva do!"
Bolax, Hoya and Blechnem rebel and report you for child abuse
‘Weed and tell!”
There are more six-pacs of fish fertilizer or B-1 than Anheuser Busch
on the floorboard of your car!
55. You consider Ann Lovejoy or
Martha Stewart, deep thrill reading.
56. You compliment your
partner’s pistil or the size of her lobes! 2
Pollination is your thought rather than sex and you refer to the size
of your anthers or stamen. 2
out’ refers to seedling removal.
59. Worse yet, you call your
coach potato partner a Saprophyte, worse yet a SAPonaria!
Campho-Pheneque, Ben Gay and Momentum are your drugs of choice!
You think ‘Miracle Grow’ is a sex enhancer like Viagra.
Worse yet, you use your husbands Viagra on your houseplants. 2
so it grows,
daughter Hoya just added:
You find yourself viciously planning battle strategies against any
you may pass by on your walk about the park.
The smell of manure makes you feel nostalgic for your days as a child
playing "Manure Castle."
65. You find at minimum
centimeter layer of topsoil in your vehicle throughout the various
You 66. Imagine moss and ivy architectural additions
instead of need for re-roofing.
remember a few more.
drink your wine
out of fertilizer measuring jars!
68. You bring your pruners to
the table should the 'Hungry Man's' take out be not properly
69. You use a leaf blower to dust the house!
hang around heavy fertilizer bags at the Garden Center hoping to snag
© Herbert Senft
out that I was 71 proof. Bindweed further suggests that those of you
40% seriously consider the Plantaholics Getaway. My
of some 84 points I scored around 60. (71 proof chlorophyll
proof -- You are indeed Ann Lovejoy's "Neophyte"
proof -- (suggestions?)
proof -- (suggestions?)
proof -- You are a proud and deserving recipient of
Terminal Plantaholics award“
am going to have to create some graphic to send to you. In the
send me your name and favorite
color and I will create
something for you. Your own contribution of a test question is