Subject: Winterize Your Lawn
"Winterize your
lawn," the big sign outside the garden store commanded. I've fed it, watered it,
mowed it, raked it and watched a lot of it die anyway. Now I'm supposed to
winterize it? I hope it's too late. Grass lawns have to be the stupidest thing
we've come up with outside of thong swimsuits! We constantly battle dandelions,
Queen Anne's lace, thistle, violets, chicory and clover that thrive naturally,
so we can grow grass that must be nursed through an annual four-step chemical
dependency.
Imagine the conversation The Creator might
have with St. Francis about this "Frank
you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there
in the Midwest? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I
started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants
grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The
nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracted butterflies, honey-
bees
and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But
all I see are these green rectangles."
"It's the tribes that settled
there, Lord. The Suburbanites.
They started calling your
flowers 'weeds' and went to great extent to kill them and replace them with
grass." "Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't
attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's
temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that
grass growing there?" "Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to
grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and
poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn." "The spring rains and
cool weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the
Suburbanites happy."
"Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a
little, they cut it - sometimes twice a week."
"They cut it? Do they then
bale it like hay?"
"Not exactly, Lord. Most of
them rake it up and put it in bags."
"They bag it? Why? Is it a
cash crop? Do they sell it?"
"No, sir. Just the opposite.
They pay to throw it away."
"Now let me get this
straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they
cut it off and pay to throw it away?"
"Yes, sir." "These Suburbanites must be relieved in the
summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the
growth and saves them a lot of work." "You aren't going believe this Lord. When the
grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it
so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it." "What nonsense! At least they kept some of
the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees
grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the
autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in
the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form
compost to enhance the soil.
It's a natural circle of life."
"You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new
circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and have
them hauled away.""No! What do they
do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and keep the soil moist and
loose?"
"After throwing away your
leaves, they go out and buy something they call mulch. They haul it home and
spread it around in place of the leaves.""And where do they get this
mulch?" "They cut down trees and grind them up."
"Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore.
Saint Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for
us tonight?" "Dumb and Dumber, Lord. It's a real stupid movie
about..."
"Never mind I think I just heard the whole story."
This came from the Internet back in the 80's and I have no idea who the author is.